December 20, 2007

There’s nothing to worry about.. I am lost either way

But grace and lies locked the door from the other side
And now there's not much else there

Wouldn't it be nice if I pretended that I care?
I let the wind blow away my thoughts
The wintersun dry the tears on my face

Wouldn't it be great if I had been unaware?
I let the snow cover my tracks on this path
The cold keep me safe in its faceless embrace

For after all these worthless days
You won't remember my name
And I still love you just the same

Someone still this hunger
Possessing my mind
Always growing stronger
Craving..

I want to feel free in myself, again
Need to feel that I'm alive, again
I've got to save myself from drowning in between
Oh God, how do I save myself from me?

I want to heal the wounds of losing me, again
Need to be close to my mind, again
I've got to run, because I'm running out of time
Oh God, I'm so afraid I'll cross that line

I want to search the emptiness, again
Need to find the road to life, again
I've got to leave myself to discover my faults
Oh God, I have to die before I'm cold

Nothing left to say
The pain will go away
Now you must surely see
That you are killing me
Now you are killing me

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December 20, 2007

Wake us up... Before we die

You say I am invincible
I cannot die,
I know, but anyway
The words, they maim me

"And I'm still alive..."
He whispered to the dead of night
Heart beating
Still breathing
Bleeding thoughts inside his head
A chain of words around his neck
The face in the mirror his worst enemy
His life one step closer to tragedy
If only... Oh, if only...
If only he could see

He's searching through crowds
For one that is gone
Rejecting the facts
One more day

All "Save me"-s lost their voice among the many
A truth no one could ever see
"Do they notice me?"
Another reason to turn and face away
Another reason to die
"But not today..."
Today the world is spinning
Today he talks another while
Today the cross he bears demands another smile
And so...
He keeps the pain of his sorrows at bay
Time will save him one more day
....But what if tomorrow becomes today?

Behind those eyes a world explodes
No one there to save him
All pain that he's been passing on
Answers to his craving
Once more
"I will never leave this shame..."

*

See those eyes
See those eyes
See those eyes
Hate and lies
A fire that slowly dies

She's pounding on the door
Her knuckles bleeding from the straining effort
The sound slowly fades with her cries
Tears hiding behind her empty eyes
Her hands are tied...
The scratching noise of inevitibility
Turning her words into silent screams
She screams eternally
If only... Oh, if only..
If only she could see

I want to hurt you
Just to hear you screaming my name

"Don't let me die here..."
Her breath shakes with the undying fear
Heart aching
Soul breaking
Throwing knives at his wall
A call for help that no one saw
He looks her way but cannot see
She's raped by insecurity
"Someone save me..."

Why wouldn't you save me?
Why wouldn't you help me?
With every ounce of me I hoped that you would come
And save me or just help me...
Because deep inside my heart I did believe in you

*

As you're tearing down my world
Please just try to do it gently....

I hear his whispers echo in my mind
These fragile thoughts that circle round inside
I stumble on his words and watched them die
When she met my eyes
I felt the shadow of her pain
I felt her need to place the blame
And all the while his agony
Kept washing over me
"How blind can you be?"

Time..
But a passageway
The beginning of the end
An end that never was

Searching for an absolution
In the darker corners of his mind
All the while trying to justify
He didn't want to be her end
Still too afraid to take her hand
In his silence I taste her confusion
Alone in a mind filled with memories
Panic replaced by an abandoned sea
Of words that never were
And days that never came to pass

...There's still love inside
For the dream that had to die

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December 17, 2007

This time I’m speeding with no direction

So, why do I feel so damned alone?
I need someone to break the silence
That's screaming in my head
And in my soul

I close my eyes and smile
At a face that once resembled mine
Now I keep it here.. Inside
A memory, no more than a lie
The sleepless projection of my life
I watch it as it passes by
Did you even see me cry?
I died that night

Wishing I was stronger
Wishing I was whole
Wishing I was someone that I'm not
And I wish that I could linger
To the faith I used to have

But I've lost my head
Forgot every single word you said
I lived a life I never had
It's over now, I can't pretend..
...that I agree with what you do
I won't apologize to you
You one day meant the world to me
You were the only I would see
But the world is ruined..
And I lie bleeding at my feet

I scratch the surface and see
Someone better than me
Where did I suffer that loss?
What was taken from me?

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December 4, 2007

This is where I stop fighting ... Eyes open wide

So take away the evidence
But I'll still recall until you
Throw away the memory
And all that's left is you...

Why don't you lie to me
Deceive me once again
So why don't you just hide from me
Why don't you turn from me
And leave me once again
So why don't you just walk away
And pretend it never happened
It never happened anyway
Just another dream I had that day

Say you never needed me to warm you...
Say you never needed it at all
Say that when you're warm under the covers
Say you never think of me at all

I'm just a child, blinded and unworthy
Another blank file in your memory
I'm just a waste of precious time
Face the facts and leave my life
And I will laugh away my pain
As you turn to wash the stains
And I'll still be the name you can't erase
I am still the one you can't replace

Just don't deny it
Just don't deny it
And deal with it
Yeah, deal with it..

I gave you my time
Offered you more than my life
And never bothered I waste it all away
I gave you my love
I let you tear my heart apart
And never wondered whether I was wrong or right
Silly me who always felt it didn't matter
It never mattered anyway
Just another year I laid to waste

There must be a way to win back all we lost
A way to escape this
Whatever the cost..

You should know by now
I won't accept defeat so easily
You should see by now
This is but frustration and uncertainty
You should sense by now
It takes a lot more to make me bleed
- Maybe I should've told you -
You tied my hands
I've been deprived of common sense
You bound my feet
How much more confirmation do you need
You captivated me
Tell me
What on earth do you want from me?

So what would you do if it was up to you?
Would you even care?
I bet you would look another way and think of better things
Oh no, it's better to look away
You better close your eyes..

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November 19, 2007

So how many times do I have to pick myself up?

Here we go again
And I can't turn it off
It's been following my past
It's just like walking on glass

Each time I swallowed my reply
- And looked away -
Each time I just avoided his eyes
- Didn't he notice the maze of my dream? -
Holding my breath as I tread the shattered floor
- I evaded the edges -
Carefully I made my way through the shards to the door
- Can I taste the air now? -
I could only hope I'd soon wake up again

This is not who I wanted to be
This is not what I wanted to see..

I opened my eyes... "I'm still alive.."
- As the train was swallowed by a broken night -
Awakened by the moonlight
That bled out of him when he smiled
As his eyes met mine
- Take me home tonight -
I hid in shades and let him steal my time
Felt the clock tick away our life
- "I bid you goodnight" -
Another story passed me by
And still I held you by my side
- I can almost feel your smile -
Could it be that I am blind?

Should I wait or let the past just fall?

I'm aware that I've lost control
Our time slips through my hands
I know I'm afraid I've wasted it all
No solid ground for me on which to stand
- I've fallen down again -
You had me tied to the floor
I've been awaiting the final chord
But not anymore
- I won't let it end like this -
Forever started long ago
I've counted the days
There is no end, that much I know
Until it's our turn, I won't walk away

Because deep inside my heart I still believe in you

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November 10, 2007

See beyond the moment ... Think beyond the day

Show me objectivity
And let these eyes judge again..

I'll show you the drawing I made of me
It's not who I am
It merely coloured what you see
It's made of what's in front of me
And all that stains my past
I've no excuses for the image I breathe
This is what I purport to be
Free me...

But I'm loving
...And insecure

Should I kneel down in front of you?
Do I need to explain the how, the when and why?
I can't remember..
But I won't lie down, roll over and die
Have I been living in a lie?
Love is never a waste of time
And I'm not sorry

I dare you
I care about you..

After all the times I've seen your face
Did you change?
After all these times I saw your insecurity
Do you even notice me?
Do you still believe you can dismiss me from your life?
Are you still afraid to keep me at your side?
I will recall
Even if you throw away the memory
I've seen your all
And how you can't rid your thoughts of me

Just don't deny it
Just don't deny it
And deal with it
Yeah, deal with it..

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November 5, 2007

Maybe I was stupid all along

I guess I learned the hard way
Or did I waste my time?

Screams that burn inside my mind
I curse myself for being blind
'I'm such an idiot for wasting my life.'
Memories make me close my eyes
And I pray: "Please turn back time and let me die
...'Cause now it hurts to be alive."

The more I see
The less I know for sure

The tears in my mouth are all the taste I know
My mind a shattered window
I'm smiling through the broken glass
Choking on the words that pass
"It's time for me to go...
I'll find my way back home."

Now I know too well
Hell is to wake up

I stare at the fires that burn the houses of my past
Feel the fear inside to face the future
Ashes remind me that nothing ever lasts
I retreat into the shadows
As I turned to face you.. I think I cried

"I don't believe that it's right..."

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September 12, 2007

You presume the winner is you, but that’s not true

And he was always much more human than he wished to be
But there is a logic to his world
If they could only see..

I feel my nails scratching my skin
How I wish I could feel free in myself again
The precious little girl
How dare you tell me what goes on in my mind?
Each word reminding me of your blinded eyes
I try to hide and choke on the words
As I lie here broken on the floor
While the ruins of my past are knocking on the door

In his head a thunderous
Cry of desperation
Tearing voices from his past
Scream for his attention

"Help me.."
But you can never hear me
"Help me.."
But you couldn't care less
"Help me.."
But you can never save me
"Help me!"
Like you helped creating this mess
"I hate you..."
For I've always hated that part of me
I've fallen too deep

Does painting this picture feed you?

Should I let you walk all over me?
This is why I just want to feel empty
Should I let you take my life
Put it on hold
Play back the mistakes I made
Remind me of holes I created
My whole existence is flawed
But I can't live looking over my shoulder
Mourning who I used to be
I won't let it recreate me

I see what colour these memories might be
What about me?
What about me?

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August 7, 2007

How the hell did we wind up like this?

And so..
I find myself here once again
First step down Remedy Lane...

Suddenly the truth hit me..
How could I have been so blind?
The sweet taste of ignorance
It left me bleeding
I found myself kneeling at your feet
Please explain to me...
Why does it make me ache so bad?
This stained perfection?
Though you have never left my mind
I feel I did not know you until now
And it hurts

'Cause there's so much we don't know
Even our own true face..

I watch the images that danced before me
Another misplaced life
Entertwined with mine
I have not the heart to grieve
Could I have known what would become of you?
I suppose no one could
It was out of our hands
Over a year, and still no word
I wondered why until I found the answer
And now I've given up on you
I had to

This time
This place
Misused
Mistakes....

I held the phone in my hands
So ready to dial your number..
But I didn't
For I knew not what to say
After all ...
You'd probably want to forget my name
Enough disappointments I had to endure
Why am I still looking out the back door
Hoping to see your face?
'Cause I never did erase
My love for you can never be replaced
How could you believe I turned my back on you
When after all this time
I still find myself thinking of you

I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything
But I won't give up..

If only I could tell you
How messed up my mind is right now
So many thoughts have walked through my heart
There're no words to tell you how I feel
This confusing situation we're in
It sometimes takes the best of me
These days I've too much to think of
But all I have is me
Yet, I don't feel lonely
Left here with naught but this memory
And a promise you could never put in words
I'll wait it out..
Whatever happens next..
We'll see

Well.. Here I am

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August 5, 2007

Now love me if you dare

I cannot cry
'Cause the shoulder cries more..

I sat down in my quiet little world
Tried to hear the silenced voices
Painful truths of an unknown life
Filled with unfamiliar choices
I was never able to make up this woman's mind
For I remained this broken little girl

"These scars will never mend.."

Every word made me more aware
Of the many locked doors in my head
You placed before me what you had to share
I could've left, but I stayed instead
To see how gracefully you opened your eyes
Awakened to this new life
Yet still unable to watch me die
Break away the silent lies

Now - to be truly free
I'll let it come to me
So.. break me if you must
When you break this crust
Freedom is to see

I will tell you everything
Though I must admit, I don't know much
Yet you must promise not to touch..
It breaks every thought I sing
And with every written word I wonder
Will you see the the tears melting on my face?
Do you see what's pulling me under?
How I beg for this situation to change

"But I can wait.."

As I always have, and ever will
For these images you created..
This forgotten world you painted
I will learn how to stay still

Before you tear me apart
Watch me dance..
Before you touch my heart
Watch me dance..

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July 30, 2007

Time to speak or to forever be silent

It's all in the eyes..

"You really do have that exact same look in your eyes.."

The many truths of those words hit me
Intimacy had never cut my heart so deep
For while in the arms of one I loved so dearly
I had never before felt so lonely
A smile designed by tears I longed to bleed

"There's so much more he has in common with me.."

I didn't know what more to say
I searched for lost words in the lines of your face
So much more to express, but there was just no way

And thus I fell silent..

Despite all these words
Not one could express
What I had inside..

So little do you know of this heart of mine
How torn I am inside
Between the world I hold in my hands for all to see
And the one that remains hidden behind my eyes
Just know my hands are filled with silent lies

"Have you looked into my mind?"

For I'm so afraid to say those words
To show you what gave me this golden light
Could you wipe the tears of a broken little girl?

I wish I could believe..

If only I could tell you everything
The little things you'll never dare to ask me...

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July 23, 2007

In the end little we can do alone

Don't you think that you can lie to me..

My words wonder on the edge of my own anxiety
You asked me: "Tell me what you believe to be my reality."
How could I define that which was kept securely within your mind?
Even though I knew your eyes never told me lies
I can not outline our future for you
I can only say what I feel to be true..
Do you need me? Yes and no.
Do you want me? Maybe so.
I do not doubt you love me
But do I dare to let you know?

I could not tell you no lies
My words are lost
In a shroud of mystery..

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July 4, 2007

And every day I seek my prey.. Someone to taste and to hold

I feel alive
During the split
Second when they smile
And meet my eyes
But I could cry
'Cause I
Feel broken inside..

Adrenaline rushed through my veins
I found another God, still unstained...
A shy smile on his pretty face
Eyes hungry for more than I gave away
I found myself swallow my wanting too much
Found myself refrain from his touch
Imagining
His breath on my skin..
To taste what I would never regain
His ruins would bear my name
Let me walk away...
Just let me walk away...

You can have my isolation
You can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith
You can have my everything

And the soft touch of his lips on mine
Drives me over the edge of desire
To find what I am looking for..
Again I tried to leave myself
To be honest, I'm not quite sure ..
What I'll find in the mind of someone else
Salvation of my thoughts is all I need
Searching for a way to silence the voices inside me
Giving in to sheer physicality
Wounds I inflict upon myself just to feel free
Suffocated anxiety I tried to hide...
Can I trust myself to stay on my side?

Sweat, skin, a pulse divine
To balance this restless mind
It seemed so wonderfully physical

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July 2, 2007

I could stay for a thousand years.. Penetrate your deepest fears..

Touching you harder...
Touching you harder now...

And every word embodied a little lie
For every thought you cast aside
Was written in your eyes
Sometimes I wonder why I even try
You gave me many chances to turn my head
Each time I just came closer instead
Now I only wonder what I'm trying to achieve
Yesterday your words meant nothing to me

We talk... But we do not speak

Every time I undressed you with my eyes
And watched you cower back while I entered your mind
To feel our energy connect in this spiritual sky
I always wondered if it'd one day be worth my time
Now we stood there, ready to explore
Blinded by the things we chose to ignore
This wasn't the time, nor the place ... Again
This wasn't the life, nor the day ... Again
Postponing heaven when it gave us a chance
"Next time around we'll dance.."

This constant longing for your touch
This bitter ocean of hatred and pain
This loneliness
I need to be who I am...

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June 29, 2007

The questions are screaming ... The answers are hiding

And all around us everywhere
Is all that we could ever share
If only we could see it

I've asked myself a million times... why?
Why can't I turn my back on you?
Why do I keep falling back into your eyes?
Perhaps I realized what I got in my hands
Is what I just can't give away.. At least not today..
And maybe all I wanted was all we couldn't see
All that may or may not be
Maybe I gave up on certainty

Nevertheless, the price
Was higher than I had realized
I was to live alone
Ready to make the sacrifice
Was I in love with you..?

I hear you speak to me.. Words that touch a dream..
I dance upon them, trying not to fall
I push the limit although I'm afraid to go too far
Still I hear your whisper: "Enlighten me..."
Can I convince you to stay with me a while?
If I could tell you how you feel
Would you listen?
Because I think you love me more than life

And I see your true colours shining through
I see your true colors..
That's why I love you

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June 24, 2007

I see the fear in your eyes ... 'cause I want to get closer

It's true, the way I feel
Was promised by your face
The sound of your voice
Painted on my memories..

I asked you to take off your sunglasses
Before looking at me
I knew I chose to have you look right through me
And so you did... Smiling..
I remember seeing the shock in your eyes
When I dared to touch the words
Left untouched for many years
Stirring memories of a past you'd rather forget

And we were always much more human than we wished to be

You gave me no words to cure the silence
That filled my bleeding heart
Through the way you looked into my eyes
I opened the wounds that still resided inside
Still my hope speaks to me quietly..
One day I'll touch the scars
Caress them until you accept they belong there
Until you learn to love you too

And no matter what I say..
No matter what I do
I can't change what happened
Can't change what happened..

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June 14, 2007

Step into the dark age of treason

If you're tearing down my world
Please just try to do it gently
There is love inside
For a dream that has to die..

I woke up from a dream today
I dreamt of light and rainbows
When I opened my eyes the world turned grey
A faked smile painted on every face
My dear world..
Why did not you remain
Unstained

While Earth is bleeding
Nothing will remain
Nothing prevails
We were stuck in this world of change
Expecting it to remain
Now nothing is left unstained..

"Let it rain..."
I whisper the words forgotten
A taste of the innocent
Raped by this evolutionary tragedy called "Man"
"Let it rain..."
The sky did not answer my silent cry
The world greets me through my broken window
A fading image flashed before my eyes
Watch it bleed and let it die..

Say no..

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June 13, 2007

But never doubt I love

This ain't over
It's never over till the fat lady sings
You love me..

So there I was, alone again
A week of moments, colliding into one
Can a mind cope with so many thoughts?
I stared at the street
Just to feel empty
I felt how you entered my world, quietly
I followed you as you walked through my mind
When I looked up, I found your eyes

It's all in the eyes..

Silver words we danced upon
I clung to them as they caressed my mind
I could feel the things we left unsaid
Taste them in my every breath
Yet I spoke to you in riddles
Giving a voice to my incoherent thoughts
Trying to find the firm ground of trust
If only for this moment

The dream has just begun..

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June 05, 2007

Our lives are this moment, the music - the dance

Follow your common sense
You cannot hide yourself
Behind a fairytale
Forever and ever

Too many thoughts pound on the doors of my mind
Incoherent visions, remainders of memories
I was searching for truth and what did I find?
Too many words to describe the silence inside
I read aloud the thoughts you tried to hide
From everybody else.. So who am I to you?
What did you turn me into?

Don't be afraid now to open your eyes
The time is so right for you to realise
Uncover the madness, the bravest of tasks
Show me the face that is behind your mask

You fear I might want more from you
If you'd undress before my eyes
You fear what you might say
When there's no one there to save you from yourself
You can ask me to refrain from touching you
And I will surely step aside
So don't turn your face away
Have faith in me

"You're the hand that I rejected
But I can't forgive myself
I am selfish and not worthy
To think of, even to die for.."

Look me in the eye
Tell me what you desire
I will show you
It's still right here in front of you
All you need to do is free your mind

You're waiting for the perfect sign
To reveal what lies inside
There's no lie in trying
Why do you fear me?

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May 31, 2007

So many things will never be the way they seemed

Face your negligence, do not fool yourself
Shortcomings will soon appear
For weakness shows itself

You deafened your ears to the truth I tell each day
"We're lost in a sea.. You need to swim now"
I don't want to know how many mountains you can climb
Must you pretend to be more than you are
Just to feel you're worthy of living?
If you don't wake up soon, you'll die
Why can't you just take...

One step at the time..
Small progess seems futile
But is as valuable as life..

Still lost in the ocean
Again you tell me
You can climb a mountain in a day
But I let you go.. Now you're drowning..
And still you can't see
Right now..
Learning to swim is more important
Than knowing how to climb

You are your own prison

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May 27, 2007

Each breath will take beauty away

So, why do I feel so damned alone?
I need someone to break the silence
Screaming in my head
And in my soul..

I can't recall how many times you've said
You're right here, by my side..
I listen, but could I ever hear you?
Did you ever speak to me?
And if I said I love you, would you feel it?
For I believe you don't sense me.. anymore
And it makes me feel so empty
Can I hold your hand?

Hello teacher
Tell me what's my lesson?
Look right through me
Look right through me...

Every time I see you I recall a dream
Of my life once in your hands
All I can wish for is to touch you again
Hoping that you'll remember who I am
But I can only taste your energy
Before you close your eyes again
A terrifying sea of blue, going cold..
I only want to share my world with you
I didn't look into your heart
To steal away all you keep inside
I came to offer you my hand
Please hold it for a while..

Try to listen to your heart...

Why do I still see you
Whenever you try to hide?
Am I the only one who sees
The world behind your eyes?
Why am I reaching out
The hand you once denied?
Do I only wish
To feel your hand in mine?
What do I expect to find
After all the times you lied?
Did you change?
I know I did..
So, I offer you a moment of my time
Beware.. We are still playing with fire
But if you follow the voice of your heart
We'll be fine..

So stay with me, we'll carry on
We'll seize the day..

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May 19, 2007

Would you believe me if I said I am tired of this?

I guess I kind of thought it would be easier than this
I guess.. I was wrong

I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get to down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to change this mind
You better believe that I have tried to beat this

All I can do is talk to you
And pretend that you will listen
Maybe that was just a dream
Remember?
I told you I can only show you the door
You are the one that has to walk through it
... There are only five years left to learn
When will you face your reflection?
When will this dance end?

Are you lost in fury?
Fearing to fail
Are you aching for vengeance?
And got lost on the way
Are you hiding your anger?
Fearing truth will prevail
Ashamed of the present
And what you've become today

Hate me
Please hate me
Feel free to question me
But don't just shut your mouth and turn away
I deserve more than what you offered me
You were naked in the dark
Until I switched on the light
I'm not sorry
So please face me
I'm tired of chasing after you

What I demand of you is just to speak the truth
You've got your chance right now
Or to forever be silent

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May 15, 2007

If you fall, I'll catch

The words I write can only hurt you
Sorry for the rain..

I know you hate my words
But you must realize
You're the one who writes these lines
I'm only reflecting what I found in you
Do you hate yourself so?

I am tired
Yet keep on swimming
You will not let go of me
You are drowning

If you don't want me to save you
Why don't you just let go?
Why can't you walk away from me?
I'm just another girl to entertain you
You don't give a shit, so fuck you.

I've put my trust in you
Pushed as far as I can go
For all this
There's only one thing you should know..

I thought you changed..
Maybe I only saw in you
Something you will never be
I loved you.. maybe
I call to you so clearly
But you seem to ignore me
I can't take that frustration
So if you choose not to hear me
I won't waste my time any longer

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May 11, 2007

What we need here are some real decisions

Take your answers and your promises, believe me, I don't care
I have held on to your words until I found them only air

You're pretending you can't recall
Why do I even try
To be there every step of the way?
When you're afraid to walk
With or without me
I need a sign that you're worth my time
Not another lie
To keep me by your side
I'm waiting
So open your eyes

I will take what you have for me now if it's not too late
If you like I will leave, I will not miss the last train again

If you rather see I leave you here tonight
Don't worry
I'm all too eager to step aside
I'm not sorry
If that's what you decide
Forever is too long a time to wait for you
I started fighting for eyes open wide
But I won't waste my life
On a man who can't believe

I will believe in you
If you still want me to
Or tell me I'm on my own

You're a star at keeping things vague
Yet I can see all too clearly
You cry for help
But you don't dare to make your move
If you waste all you are
Making up ridiculous excuses
Don't let me stop your self-destruction
I won't try to save you
But I'm trying now, so what's keeping you?

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May 7, 2007

You would have to look much closer than you do..

If you like we could play a game
Let's pretend that we are the same..

I took a look at myself this morning
It's remarkable how much I've changed
I recall when I first met you..
I was a young, naive, broken little girl
You raised me up, though I don't know why
But it saved me.. For a while
And I build up a different life..
I lost you somewhere along the way
Now you're afraid to look in my general direction
And I can't help but wonder why
For I think I'm like you..

I've talked too much today
You don't trust me
So I keep on talking in every way

I tried to make you see
You've no reason to fear me
I would scratch your skin..
Stab your heart..
But I wouldn't want to hurt you
I know you reach out
Yet you don't dare to take my hand
If you would, you would find..
I'll raise you up
For a while
And for the moment
I would save your life

If I can't make you leave
How can I save you from me..

You missed the last train again
You didn't wish to stay, but couldn't walk away
I have to say, I saw it coming
But did nothing
Just waited
I'm still waiting
What have you been waiting for?
I cannot carry you further
I can only show you the way
Unless you're too afraid

You're scared of me now
Though I never had a clue
That I'd become so much stronger than you..

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April 29, 2007

What if you tell me that I am wrong?

Nevertheless, the price was higher than I had realized
I was to live alone, ready to make the sacrifice
Was I in love with you?

I tried so hard to have no feelings for you..
It'd be more dangerous to follow your footsteps
Than it had been to trace you down..
For all you cared, my steps could be unnoticed
But you are not the judge
And every step echoes a thousand times
Did I choose the right path?
Wherever it leads, will it tear me apart
In the end..
If there's no reason for anything..

You steal my only hope and make me
Stay awake another night..
I wish you bear with me, stay near me
When the autumn leaves have fallen..

I reach out to touch your face
Your effigy fades
I have no words to say
Nothing to make you stay .. with me..
Tearstains on my cold face
I lost the will to cry
No sleep to save me from the night..
I can no longer take the blame..
It's too late to walk away

Why do I even try?
I've told you all about what I am
Have faith in me
Have faith in me..

Will you take my hand and let me be with you
If only for tonight..
I need to rest my head..
I need a chance to return to myself
A taste would be fine
To live through another night..
Raise me up.. I'll walk with you
Till the sun goes down..
If you let me..
In your arms I'll die

I see your beautiful smile
And I would like to run away from
Reflections of me in your eyes, oh please
Talk to me, show some pity
You touch me in many, many ways
But I'm shy can't you see..

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April 27, 2007

I seize the moment to hear a story no one's telling anymore..

If you were my child
I'd carry you away
I'd travel through time
Before silence was born

The suffocating thought of our last meeting
The burning pain of the memory
I wish I could hold you as you held me
One more time..
I'm afraid..
So afraid of losing you
Years have passed us by..
Not a glance
Just the everlasting train of thought
My brother..

Stay for a while
Stay forever...

Can we change the state we are in?
For I feel like dying inside
Won't you come and find me?
A simple line that tainted our lives
I'm tired..
Trying, crying, dying to be freed from this pain
You need to have more time
Could it be I left myself behind?
Blind

The leaves they fall
Upon the day that makes a memory
Those bleeding eyes..

I felt alive...
Until I walked away from your bleeding eyes
Somehow, with every step.. I died
A little more lost inside
A few more tears I cry tonight
And another day passed
The nightmares that haunted me
Are but the dreams I have of you
Whenever I close my eyes..
Can't take the pain any longer
Breathing the lies

Don't love me, don't you dare,
I lie, I cheat and I don't care...
Truth can't set me free..

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April 26, 2007

But first I need to learn to love me too..

Have faith in me
Have faith in me..

The quiet outcry
Written in a book I never opened
Read aloud by a voice I hadn't heard before..
Before I fell asleep
The fading sound that echoed in my mind
How could I be so blind?
Truth was always there.... inside..
Fear kept me from opening my eyes..
Doubt and its everlasting shadow
Still hang over me every time I feel I'm right..
Again, I'm waiting..
Again..
Just another sign..

I talked too much today..
You don't trust me
So I keep on talking in every way..

And whenever I see you it's there
Each time more detailed..
As if you were prepared to show me everything
I would know the image
Before I met the man..
Yet I'm too frightened
To trust what you've shown me
What's my worth if it's just my imagination?
Yet if it is..
Why would I make such an unlikely choice?
To love a man I do not desire..

I have a feeling you don't know what to do
I look deep in your eyes, hesitate a while...
Why are you crying?

I can only think of him.. and feel a little unreal..
The man I have wanted all my life..
We were and will always be more than just friends
Yet not ever in this life
Shall we be so in physical sense..
A tear as I recall that day
Drawn to eachother for every stain
Our memory..
Never leave me..

I'm feeling weak today
Please don't crush me..

I'm feeling slow today
So don't rush me..

You gave me his heart and stole mine..
How can I unlock this door
Without feeling the pain of losing you?
How can I face him
Without being afraid to love him more than I love you?
How can I break my own heart
And learn to love myself again?

One day we may have whole new me's and you's

Have faith in me..
Have faith in me..

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April 8, 2007

We were always much more human than we wished to be

Sleep is too quiet
Dreams are too painful
Truth is the bed
Of this ocean of lies...

I can pretend my wounds are healed
Pretend I have no reason to feel
Threatened, by my own illusions
My touch of reality..
And silence is my only friend now..
Now that I see no other way
To tred this minefield of forbidden ground

Have you ever asked me
Where I am coming from?
Have I ever told you
Why I am so alone?

Wasting time on hands, touch, eyes..
Thoughts, uncontrolled..
Silence
Whatever happened will never be
As I once thought it was
Silence
Let's not touch this with our words
Let's not make it too real..
Silence
Just hands.. Touch.. Eyes..
Just silenced desire

If I share this with you
Never speak a word
They would never understand
If they ever heard

Breathing in and breathing out
I step down.. Why waste my time?
Let's not make it too real
I need some of that vagueness now
For I could see it all
Just a little too clearly
Nothing to say..
Just silence

To close the door is never easy
But we can't ignore
We can't ignore

Save ourselves the trouble
Let's try to forget.. Again
Let's not lose control.. Again
Let's be silent.. Again
Until it left our hearts..
Again

Solitude, my pain
The last thing left of me..

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March 21, 2007

Artificial Smile

It's all Sick, I feel sick
I'll be sick, then it's fine
I'm conform to your norm

Fuck your lack of interest
Fuck condemnation by anticipation
You're not worth another second of my time
Take a bow and run for your life
Don't stumble over your feet
You'll fall before me?
I'll leave you there to bleed
I'm not a brainless little shithead
So try to change your perception
Do something about your idiotic neglection

So close your eyes
Relax and take a deep breath now
Believe the lies
When you wake up we'll all seem nice

And when you find
They've stolen every second of your time
They took your life
While you were blinded by the smiles
Silenced voices behind
Indifferent faces
Do you care for the days of the earth?
Do you hear the words left unheard?
Remember when you read these lines
It's still your life
You are still the master of the game
You're still the same
Undress your words
So you can see how much they hurt
Take a step into the new world

We should start fighting for eyes open wide

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March 8, 2007

Why can't I close my eyes?

Watching unseen untouched bleeding
Empty exposed dying eyes closed

I feel the roof beneath my feet
Ten floors of solid concrete under me
Don't look down..
I shield my face and close my eyes..
The howling wind awakens me in a dream
Don't look down, don't look down..
I'm breathing in the cold night air
Swallow the fear, for it won't take forever

I'm standing on the edge about to fall
In the middle of the point of no return..

Breathing.. Bleeding..
Screaming.. Blinded by my tears..
Why.. Oh why, why, why ..
Why am I still here?
Why can't I go back inside?
Why am I unable to save myself?
Why can't I close my eyes?
My feet on the concrete
Cold, yet burning..
One small step and I'll be able to fly
One small step and I'll die..
DON'T LOOK DOWN..

In two seconds I will hit the ground
A moment stretched out over years
And my eyes will flicker
And then something has changed
An empty cage..

Once you told me I didn't have to die
You told me.. promised I'd survive
Why than am I now about to step aside?
The world needed me to make way for society
No chance to compromise
And I'm so sick of all the lies
So sick of the pain I kept inside
I'm so sick of pretending I'm just fine
Just look at me now.. open your eyes
Tell me why
I lost the wings to fly
Tell me why
I now only try to die

Silly me who always thought
Life was for the living..

Yeah right ..
Just another pointless thought within my mind
Life is as fake as the people who live it
Conform to the norm.. Perfection ..
All who do not participate have no chances to survive
I no longer need this kind of life
I no longer strive to stay alive
I said "No" but no one ever listened when I cried
I hope it shows that if I hit the ground
It shall be the way that we all die..

Will I ever walk again?

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February 2, 2007

Where did we go wrong?

And I had this coming
Every day of my life
This is where I stop fighting
Eyes open wide..

I'm sick of the emptiness I find
Each time I try to open your eyes
I had hoped you would start to believe in me..
Now that I am far away from you
I guess I thought that you were more than this
That you finally tried to understand..
Tried to see who I really am
Rather than what you wanted me to be

I suppose I needed to believe
Didn't want to see you had never been close to me

And I'm sorry
This illusion has caused you a lot of pain
And I have no solution

All I know is that the picture remains
I will never give you the perfection you need
As long as you don't alter
The view on your perception
I don't mean to cause you pain
But it's not something I can change
You hurt because you're disappointed
In what you had thought was me
Or what you hoped I once would be
A picture perfect product of society
An empty shell..
Conform to your norm..
A failure to the world that needed me

Mother, I wish that we could talk
You see
I'm not fit to play this game
Bound by its rules just the same
Just..
Just the same..

I'm not meant to close my eyes
I wasn't born to step aside
Why are you trying
To drain my will to stay alive?
Why are you smiling
While you're wanting me to die?
Listen to me mother..
Please here me as I cry
Mother..
Won't you try to tell me why?

You don't have to cry for more
You don't have to have it all..

Can't you see?
There's no need for our greed
Other than our self-imposed task
Our wish to serve society
Don't you know
Society exists only in the minds of its creators
You believe I'm not entirely normal
When will you see that normality
Is in the eye of the beholder?
Why does it matter to you
That your society will not accept me?
Doesn't it matter that I don't need
The acceptance of society to be happy?

One small step for man
Maybe this time I’ll fly
And if I hit the ground
It’s the way we all die..

All that makes me sick
Is the unwillingness to see things as I do
The reluctance to change the world
To leave society behind
All I see..
Still smiles
All I hear..
Silence

I'm sorry

In two seconds I will hit the ground

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January 23, 2007

You'll never remember my name.. But I love you just the same

Undressed in front of me
All glistening ebony
You're still so young...

I can't help it, but your image pops up
Whenever I read those lines
It's funny since you're more like ivory ..
But still .. I guess it's just the thought
You're so young.. so beautiful
Like handcrafted porcelain.. Shining..
Touched and loved by many a hand
And still so distant..
Silent..
Unspoiled..

A perfect sight , a world divine
And I
The loneliest child alive

How many times
Have I undressed you in my mind?
How many times have I touched your skin
Kissed your lips?
How many times?
I believe I'd scare you, if you'd know
Oh God, how I long for you
And how I smile in silence
Whenever you look my way..

We got caught in the moment
All of the night
Taken beyond all lines
In silence leaving them all behind

And I know I'm only dreaming now
I know this ain't reality
But I can see you so clearly
When I close my eyes
It scares me
How dear I hold you to me
Just because of the look in your eyes

The swift wind of thought
Of wildness and laughter
The soil of defiance
The firm ground of trust
It's all in the eyes..

I recall your eyes
How you gazed at me that day
And I wish I had not hesitated
You would've been mine
Now I smile at the image
I've created in my mind
As time passes by
The ground of silence
That still lies between us..

I believe this heart of mine when it tells my eyes
That this is beauty
I believe this heart of mine when it tells my mind
That this is reason

Distant..
Silent..
Unspoiled..
Beautiful light of my life

I pledge to wake you with a smile
I pledge to hold you when you cry
I pledge to love you till I die
Till I die

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January 11, 2007

Stumbling.. Falling.. Crawling.. Trying to reach for you

And I walk up the hill
And I can't stand still
Till the day of our last rendez-vous

Were there days that passed me by?
Weeks of silence..
Questions..
Why?
I'm hiding in the shadows
Reaching out for your hand
Touch me..
Please?
I deserved the longest glance
You were mine for those seconds
But I crave for more
Taste me..
Once?

"See me"
"Hear me"
"Need me"
Some things will never change

I fear I love you more than I can bear
Your silence is a burden
My words are a sigh..
Lost on the way to your heart
Breathe my air
Be hypnotized
Let me take you in
Be mine
If only for one night
Don't deny me
Stay?
Change the color of my eyes
Make me feel alive
If we couldn't be together in time
Can we at least stop now
Stand still
Try?

Kiss me, kiss me, like I kiss you
Miss me, miss me, like I miss you
While you dream your dream of somebody else
I play for you the whole night through

I don't care if you dream of someone else
I'm here now and I beg for your hand
Take it
Take me
I need you now
But I can see you smile
From the distance
And blow me a kiss as you turn around..
No matter how loud I scream your name
However I beg you to stay
The silence betrays
My voice is gone
I only sigh
I can't bear you face away
Yet giving in seems the easier way

Maybe we'll meet some other day

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January 04, 2007

I will stain your affection.. I will wear out your heart..

I am the greatest star .. So bright ..
That you all come forth and beg to taste my light
I can take you far
But I'll burn you out before we get there..

Slowly I turn my face away
Sick of the eyes staring down on me
The blood tears on my cheeks..
I wipe them
The sour taste in my mouth..
I swallow
The smell upon my skin..
I wash away

As I search through the ashes
For someone to blame
I'm afraid to see my face..

The cold spreading trough my veins
Seizing me.. Freezing me..
I shiver
Accusing myself of my mistakes
Why did I let him in?
Why did I just trust him?
Haven't I learned anything?

Sleep is too quiet
Dreams are too painful
Truth is the bed of this ocean of lies..

Still addicted to my honesty
I couldn't bear to lie
I suffer you stab me in the back
The wound still bleeds..
Staining the perfect world I created
Pushing the buttons
Showing the flaws of the illusion
Draining all I appreciated

But if you take from those you fear
Everything they value
You have bred the perfect beast
Drained enough to kill you

Numb as I am
Nothing left but hatred
The dance becomes wilder
And I trace down your moves
To be the one to kill your steps
Obstructing the dance
To lose the stains
Become clean again..

This blood proves me right
In that the last move is all that counts
If the beasts must bite..

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January 03, 2007

So once again .. Another New Year's Eve will ease our pain

Faith for the few
And rites that will make us so brave
So new
We laugh and we cheer
For a Happy New Year
Happy?

"CNN reported that Bush was considering sending in as many as 40,000 soldiers to Iraq.
That would mean increasing troop levels to their highest point in the nearly four-year-old conflict to perhaps as many as 165,000."

Candles burn down
And in the darkness future comes around
We smile - all aware
But never speaking of the masks we wear

Why is it we fail to speak?
There's no reason for happiness
Nothing to celebrate this new year's eve
It feels like we all know
But somehow we chose to ignore
We're all part of this puppet-show
We all see the strings
But the play is so nice
We rather stay blind
Because we love it easy...

Close your eyes
Relax and take a deep breath now
Believe the lies..

A faked smile, dressed up words
All to prevent the silence
We're dancing on the thin ice
Afraid to fall
Yet overflowing our words
With confidence
Pretending it's really concrete
That we are dancing on
We'll be the last ones standing...

Look around!
Soon there'll be but ruins to be found
We can change
It's all in our minds..

Appearance deceives only
Those who believe in the lies
Changing appearance
Still doesn't change the inside
And one can so easily
See through the cover up
See the void we leave behind
You don't have to walk their way..
You can still turn away..

I want you to remember
That I stood my ground
And said "No"...

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