Poetry 2009
Autumn Rain
I felt safely tucked in the high of the day
At least it momentarily seemed that way
But then your shaking voice on the other side of the line
Told me that you tried to take your life again last night
I felt the silence spread coldly within me
Do you even see what this is doing to me?
Stirring the remains of last November
Do you remember?
How the red water rains
(Washing yourself away)
How the red water stains
(The image never fades)
Cut veins
Run that cold steel blade across your skin
Let out all the poison that you keep within
Willfully sink into the water - Take yourself deep down
Maybe you will drown before you're found
Desperately try to die this time
End forever with the edge of a sharp knife
Dive into subconsciousness - Take yourself deep down
Maybe you will sleep before you're found
Red water on the floor
(Such a mess you've made)
Someone opened the door
(Will it ever be too late?)
It still rains
Tell me the details, as if I don't remember
Tell me all the memories of last November
Disregard my wish to not recall
Draw me in and push me against the wall
Guilt will haunt me until the day you're dead
Can you see its chains or are they in my head?
And you are dying so terribly slow
Now that I know..
I can no longer stop you from putting an end to it all
If you need saving, I'm the last one you should call
For I'm tired, though it shames me to admit
If this is foreplay, let's just get it over with
Once or Twice
Get over you
Trust me, I will get over you
The tainted picture of your face
When all lies are erased
I will
Step down and leave you behind
In time
I will
Turn around, never return
I will burn
All the memories
All that's left of you
Get over you
As sure as I have been under you
All the things I didn't want to see
They are now blinding me
And still
The silence seems to grow each passing day
You're further away
And still
I try to find a reason for that night
Still I try
To rationalize
Not to feel empty inside
Yellow light spills from the windows of the evening train to Budapest.
While the night is slowly closing in, with doors still opened, its screeching wheels start turning.
And we leave the station.
When I sit down the rusted bench sighs beneath me.
Then the floor creaks beneath someone's feet. I look up to meet the eyes of a Hungarian boy - I smile.
And all I wanted was to make him mine.
Restore myself
Trust me, I'll pick up every piece of me
I'll glue together all the shards
And dispose of all the scars
I can
Rebuild the world you broke down
In time
I can
Prevent myself from running away
I can stay
Until the things I did
And words I said will fade
I will be mine again in time
The moment he returned my smile, I felt close to my old self for a second.
He found an excuse to initiate a conversation, in the form of an orange tie, that his friend had failed to knot.
And, as such, I failed but said I could explain.
When he kneeled next to me, to see how shawls were different from ties,
There was a familiarity in the way we talked and the way his arm rested casually upon my leg.
It left me craving for more.
Escape the world
I've tried too hard to drown inside a dream
Forgetting all the ugly things I've seen
Numb to all the reasons to be me
I see
There's more to living than you offered me
That night
I see
You are so much more fucked up than me
Yes, I see
All the things that hid beneath
And somewhere in between
I will be free again in time
I will be mine
He asked me what brought me to Hungary. It reminded me of all my hidden motives.
When I said that I had come to visit my friend and that we planned to take night-time photos of the Danube,
With passion he told me how he hated Budapest.
Now I think he probably wanted us to join them on their night out.
But as much as I'm sure I would've like that, we knew we would part ways when the train rolled into the station.
His business-card and a wink were all that he left with me.
I rest my head and close my eyes to the memory
The train to Budapest had set my heart ablaze
On my way back home I could sense the change
As I returned to the me I was before
Just a little less troubled and a little more
Free
You
I breathe in the air that's made of forever
Float on the rhythm of this river
Which keeps my heart from beating slow
If only I knew what its name is
If only I knew..
.. you
I immerge myself in this ocean of feeling
The anchor strapped tight to my feet
To assure I will stay under
Just to find out what its name is
Just to find out that I know..
.. you
I think I thought now that I think about it
What will I find when I step through that door?
Is this who you are?
And who, then, am I?
I thought I saw, now that I think I see
What was the color that hid behind your eyes?
Is this what we were?
And who, then, are we now?
I thought..
But no, I cannot think about it
A mirror reflecting only what I see
Inside that lies between
The thread that ties you and me
Gold and light, still ever tighter than I knew
I never ever knew
.. you
Come closer, so much closer.. but don't touch
Kiss my cheek, kiss my lips.. but don't expect too much
Don't think I....
Don't doubt I'm made of love
Come closer, one step closer..
Shall we dance?
Kiss my cheek, kiss my heart
Let's just dance
Don't doubt I love
Breathe the air, made of forever
Feel the rhythm of the river beat for us
Can you say that it's never?
Never ever...
And ever enough
Trailer in the Sun
The empty trailer in the sun
A memory subdued, but never really gone
You still hear the crack of a branch beneath your feet
Nothing could prepare you for the fate you would meet
... behind that door
The broken bottles on the floor
You turn and leave your fist-print in the door
Knowing well that pain can't quell your rage
Despair and frustration run through your veins
... he's on his knees
“Oh brother.. understand
It's out of my hands..”
How can you look at him now
Smiling
With the memory of him
Dying
“Oh brother.. lend your hand
Help me.. why don't you understand?”
The stench of vomit mixed with blood
In the choking heat of the burning sun
You still avoid shards of broken glass in your mind
The everlasting moment of you kneeling at his side
... meeting his eyes
The hint of fear behind his haze
You can almost see how Death stares in his face
Feel your heart rate cross the border of insanity
You scream his name in the depths of your own agony
“Don't you fucking try to die on me...
...Now”
Gasping breath, sucking in the air
Holding on to what's barely there
Sweaty palms, clinging to the ground
He's still screaming without a sound
Look at him now
Smiling
The memory of him
Dying
“Oh brother.. Let us forget
These things are better left unsaid..”
Behind the door of the trailer in the sun
Some stories end before they even began
Hear me out
In your silence I could finally hear my own soul scream
It made me realize how blind I've been before
To all the times you deny me my peace
For every time my life sucks
Yours does even more
...And I will hear you out despite myself
In your silence I had some room to breathe the air
You had polluted with your stress before
And all the times you didn't seem to care
For I would kindly listen
To what others chose to ignore
Hush now, hush
You have another story
Another tragedy
Shut my mouth
Hear you out, but please don't try to help
(Shut)
Hear you out, but you can save yourself
(my)
Hear you out, whatever I went through
(mouth)
Hear you out... what else can I do?
Shut my mouth and hear you out
...Now hear me out despite yourself
My days of feeding your misery are through
I have no sympathy left for your distress
You chased me around corners to outrun the truth
I can't help you
You wallow in your mess
I'm not sorry, yet afraid to say goodbye
Too close to dismiss the aftermath
The red river of November still flowing through my mind
But the fear alone isn't enough
The fear alone won't stop
...Won't stop me from telling you this
Hush girl, hush
I have your story to tell
A different view on your hell
Shut your mouth
Hear me out and try to understand
(Shut)
Hear me out and give yourself a chance
(your)
Hear me out, no more accusations
(mouth)
Hear me out, no more explanations
Shut your mouth and hear me out
...Despite yourself
Hear me out that you might help yourself
World of White Lies
[one: "I do"]
I've seen too much of you beyond the words you have said
Heard your name so often it echoes in my head
I've wondered aloud what to think of what I knew
And let all my thoughts recreate what was you
My mind wondered through your memories
Stepped down to follow the line beneath
How you stood at the altar with dreams we've all had
Eternity waiting, with this girl in your bed
And all the voices would cheer for you
While you whispered the words.. "I do"
From this day on a lifetime begins
Of hoping the love of the moment remains
Reality playing on your fantasy's stage
Like a bird that helped build his own golden cage
Love was a burden and its bearer was you
The hurt that was born on your lips with "I do"
I've been going down a corridor of closing doors
Along the lines of a song that wasn't yours
I've seen the wildness grow deep within your heart
And watched it break through its self-imposed bars
When she shattered the faith you had shared
I've seen you pretend that you did not care
But there were cracks in the glass you couldn't mend
The change in your pulse made you understand
There's a price to love, that we call truth
The lie that was born on her lips with "I do"
The fine line you had drawn in the sand
It was swept away by the palm of her hand
All the demons you fought reignited your rage
Made the bird suddenly aware of its cage
Tears in your eyes for the pain you never knew
The freedom that died on your lips with "I do"
[two: Abundant Water]
Leaving your solid ground behind
She was still there in the back of your mind
On the other side of the telephone line
She was there in the corner of your smile
But you were left alone
Far away from home
You blew a kiss that she never gave back
Disappointment constantly tracing your steps
No longer lost, only slightly off track
Hunt down another face that you might have
How much would you pay
At the end of the day
A cure for a life spinning out of control
Temporarily tasting another world
Find salvation from the hole in your soul
Feel your touch on the skin of a different girl
Does it hurt the same?
and what was her name?
Returning to life with stains on your heart
Where she begged to forgive the lifetimes apart
Trust the future and drown the past
Give love and life a brand new start
[three: Lines]
The disloyalty kept breathing in your ear
Distorting her declarations of love
Anticipate a lie in every word you hear
What solace was given, was never enough
Intoxicated by your hunger for more
Maybe she came too close that day
Rejections you blindly ignore
Two steps too far, to have your way
She never yielded
Giving thought to the consequence
She's seen the truth behind your lies
You've carelessly wasted your second chance
On rebuilding a perfect life
You look her way with pleading eyes
Become the father of her guilt
Her honesty a perfect disguise
Her heart will scream but her mouth stays still
And she'd never tell
[four: Subsurface]
You bore your heart for anyone to see
It was right behind the twinkle in your eye
Yet invisible to everyone but me
I was drawn into the mirror of your soul
Is this what you wanted me to find?
A boy on a worn leash, afraid to lose control
Still so afraid to lose it all..
A smile beneath the curtains of regret
The wolf inside you made your fingers burn
But your hands were tied behind your back
Your words caress my heart between the lines
Awaiting the point of no return
While your eyes convey to me, the image in your mind
There is a dream in your eyes..
I have seen his look on your face
Did I come a little too close?
Should I turn around and just walk away?
I have walked this road once before
Is it just a little too real?
If I walk away, would you crave for more?
There is revenge that goes further than blame
There is a pain that goes deeper than shame
There's a stain that stays when it rains
I gave a face to the secrets you keep
A name to the answers you seek
I gave words to the voice in your head
Life to desires you've long wanted dead
A million points of view can't erase the truth
You have always regretted the words "I do"